The Most INSANE Christmas Rom Com
(The Channel Awesome logo and NC intro play) NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Around this time of year, I like to snuggle up on the couch and watch a good Christmas B-movie. (Cut to a clip of ''Bee Movie)'' Barry B. Benson (Jerry Seinfeld): You like jazz? NC (vo): NO! (A giant foot is edited in, stomping down on Barry, Monty Python style. Then cut to a montage of Christmas B-movie titles...) NC (vo): Films like A Christmas Prince, The Knight Before Christmas, Dear Santa, The Perfect Holiday, Merry Kissmas... NC: Oh, I know you call them Christmas rom-coms, but let's not kid ourselves here, they're Christmas B-movies. (The montage continues, with ''Christmas Inheritance, A Christmas Kiss, Christmas With a Prince)'' NC (vo): They're films we know are bad, have a good laugh at how corny they are, and are aware there's a right and wrong way to do them. (Cut to a shot of the poster for the Netflix movie, ''The Princess Switch)'' NC (vo): The Princess Switch is done right. (Cut now to a poster for ''Last Christmas)'' NC (vo): Last Christmas is not. (More comparisons between the two are shown) NC (vo): The difference is, one knows what it is and doesn't try to convince us it's something more. (A montage of the following images are superimposed, one at a time: a guy wearing a Christmas sweater with the head of a reindeer poking out through a wreath...) NC (vo): It's that ugly sweater... (...a bunch of old guys singing a Christmas song together...) NC (vo): ...that lame-ass carol... (...a glass ornament of a nutcracker in the form of a Mexican bandito) NC (vo): ...that crappy ornament you know is tacky as sin, but it still screams "Christmas" to you. These movies have become big bucks in the past decade, with channels dedicating entire months to them, streaming services making their own... (Cut to a shot of a T-shirt reading "THIS IS MY CHRISTMAS ROM-COM BINGING OUTFIT") NC (vo): ...even T-shirts are made celebrating this comfort food of stupidity. NC: But as these Christmas movies go, one stands out as the most insane, one that is light-years crazier than all the others: Holiday in Handcuffs. (The movie's title is shown, followed by footage of the movie) NC (vo): Presumably named after its own (An image of a female Christmas whore is superimposed, along with this movie's title) porno parody, this movie aired in 2007 and was ABC Family's most-watched telecast in its history. In a very strange way, I can see why. Starring Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez, this film does everything in its power to push all logic, all intelligence, any sense of reason out the window of a ten-story building. (Cut to a clip from ''Batman Returns ''where Max Schreck pushes Selina Kyle (with the word "LOGIC" written on her face) out a window, shattering it, and sending her to fall to her death as she tears through an awning on the way down. Then cut back to ''Holiday in Handcuffs)'' NC (vo): What makes it so crazy it has to be seen to be believed? Well, we're gonna see it to believe it. NC: So strap on in and throw away the key! (pauses awkwardly, then shakes head) I don't care how you take that, the movie clearly wouldn't. This is the absolute insanity...of Holiday in Handcuffs. (The movie opens with Gertrude "Trudie" Marie Chandler, played by Hart, as she drives along through a snowy area) NC (vo): As the credits roll, Melissa Joan Hart starts off saying what every crazy person starts off saying... Trudie: (voiceover narration) I'm not crazy. I'm a long way from crazy. NC: (as Trudie) There was a talking cat, my aunts were witches, and people watched it! (pounds fist on table) PEOPLE WATCHED IT! (points to himself) I'M NOT NUTS! NC (vo): She picks up Mario Lopez, who says what many of us thought after seeing God's Not Dead 2... David Martin (Lopez): (gasping for breath) You...are...the Devil! (Cut back to eighteen hours earlier, to December 23 (shown in text below), as we see Trudie asleep in her bed in an apartment as her clock reads 7:15, which then starts buzzing, waking her up) NC (vo): And we flash back to how Sabrina abducted Slater, as this uncapitalized caption tells us. (Trudie walks toward her table) Trudie: (narrating) The day started out like every other day... (The camera zooms in on a bottle of wine on her table) NC (vo): (narrating) With a bottle of wine. (Trudie is trying to heat up a carton of Chinese food with a hairdryer) NC (vo): Wow, a woman down on her luck with a gigantic city apartment? NC: Let's look at... NC (vo): ...the rom-com economy sheet again. (A pie chart is superimposed, representing a rom-com economy, which shows how only a small piece of the pie (a tiny sliver, really) shows how a person in a rom-com is poor and the rest of the whole pie shows how a person is rich, which is what Trudie apparently is) NC (vo): Yep, looks right. (Trudie's parents are talking to her from their home in a fancy log cabin) Trudie: (on the phone) Hi, Mom. Trudie's Mother (Markie Post): (on phone) Hi, honey. NC (vo): She gets a call from her family, in their own log mansion, as they tell her what to wear and how to act for their Christmas get-together. Trudie: (on phone) You told Mr. Portnoy that I don't have any sales experience, right? Trudie's Father (Timothy Bottoms): (on phone) Oh, what do you mean? You sold him lemonade. Trudie: When I was ten, when he called me "Little Foodie". NC: (staring awkwardly) Well, that's a story. Trudie's Father: I just said you're a late bloomer but that you're ready to get your life together. NC: I'm glad George W. Bush found peace... (Trudie's father does bear a passing resemblance to Dubya) NC (vo): ...after his presidency. According to this documentary, (A poster for a fake documentary is superimposed, "That's My Bush!", showing Dubya) it was quite trying. Trudie: Oh My god! (Trudie puts down the phone and runs) NC (vo): She runs late to an interview, but not so late she can't let people cut ahead. (Trudie motions for a guy to go, but he hits her car) Guy: (yelling at her) YOU... (a horn beeps, muting out the word) NC: Heh, they literally beeped him out. NC (vo): As she misses the interview, but goes on anyway. (Trudie arrives at the office and starts pounding on the glass windows) Trudie: Mr. Portnoy, it's me! Come on! I make more money than (shows the employees have leaned out of their cubicles to stare at her) than any other girl in the streets! (The receptionist picks up the phone) Receptionist: We have a code red up here. NC (vo; as the receptionist): Ex-sitcom actress trying to get job, ex-sitcom actress trying to get job. NC (vo): She goes to her real work as a waitress and reveals she messed up her hair, and accidentally wore her Christmas dress. Trudie: Nick's coming with me. Lucy: I guess elitist jackasses aren't my type; there not yours either. Trudie: So his family owns banks. What's wrong with wealthy and successful for a change? NC: A change?! You're a waitress and you Kobe in that (shows Trudie's apartment) place! What kind of rich aren't you?! Manager: Get to work! Or you'll be out in the gutter! Lucy: He would not keep his great-grandfather's gun here if he knew how close I came to killing him everyday! NC: Oh, don't talk about Chekhov's Gun like that way. NC (vo): Her boyfriend drops by, and...well, he's bad, stuck-up rich, not good, poor rich. Nick (Mario Lopez): I think I'm going to pass on the whole holiday song and dance. NC (vo; as Nick): I'm off to be Billy Zane acting as Mark Ruffalo. Trudie: Why did you tell me you were going to come home with me for Christmas if you were never gonna do it?! Nick: Because, I knew that's what you wanted to hear. You know, and we haven't had sex yet, so...see you later. NC: (as Nick) Sorry, I didn't know that... (Cut back to the movie, as a poster for ''An In the Company of Men Christmas is superimposed briefly)'' NC (vo; as Nick): ...An In the Company of Men Christmas was being shot at the same time. Trudie: Wait! If you walk out that door now...we are so over. (Nick turns and stares at her) NC: Uh, I think you're so over... NC (vo): ...making a scene like that in a restaurant. (Then David Martin (also played by Lopez) enters the restaurant, talking on his cell phone) David: Hey, what's up? I'm waiting for Jessica. NC (vo): Lopez enters the place... You can tell by the audience going... (Audience is heard whooping and cheering) ...as apparently Hart's Quaaludes kicked in. (As Trudie watches nervously, she has flashbacks to her childhood) NC: (shrugs) Todd Phillips' Harley Quinn movie is showing some real promise. (nods) NC (vo): Her mother calls in the middle of her anxiety attack and thankfully calms her down... Trudie's Mother: (on the phone) Are you trying to ruin Christmas? NC: She seems nice. NC (vo): ...as Hart says she's bringing her boyfriend, which sic she has now decided is this perfect stranger who entered the restaurant. Trudie: (to David) You're coming with me. David: I'm not sure what government-sponsored work program you're part of, but I– (He is interrupted, however, as she pulls a pistol on him, cocking it) NC: So, yeah, we're only at the ten-minute mark. (The scene of Trudie pulling her gun on David is repeated) NC (vo): Don't your Christmas rom-coms usually hit this point around now? David: You're kidding, right? (Trudie grabs him and pushes him along through the restaurant, out the back door) Trudie: Move it! David: Hey, watch it! (David is brought by Trudie to her car) NC (vo): He uses his wrestling moves to escape her... (He tries to pull a martial arts move on her, only to slip on the wet, snowy pavement and fall down, knocking himself out) NC (vo): It doesn't work. ...as he's knocked out and she drags him into the car and ties him up. NC: To be fair, I understand her stress. NC (vo): Having an easy job and a rich apartment, about to spend Christmas in a luxury cabin. NC: (shaking head) Who wouldn't go bananas at this point? (Trudie is driving down the road with David in the passenger seat. He undoes the blindfold she put on him) David: (holding onto a strap in her car) Look, I'm not sure what's going on or what you want from me... NC: (as David, imitating his pose) But I'm into it! You don't even need to steal my wallet; I'll pay. NC (vo): She tells him she wants to convince her family that he's her boyfriend, and if he doesn't cooperate, she'll... (She pulls her gun on him as a clip from ''Fargo plays in the corner)'' Carl Showalter (Steve Buscemi): You know, shoot ya. David: Your boyfriend dumped you! Trudie: No, I told you, he couldn't make it! David: (not believing her) Right... NC: I love how he treats it like it's a mild inconvenience. Trudie: You don't exactly have a choice, Dwayne. David: (rolls eyes) It's David. NC: (as David) Let me go! I have five auditions... (Cut to an image of Mario Lopez's IMDB page, showing a part of his TV filmography where he plays himself) NC (vo): ...where I have to play myself! NC: So I don't really know why I'm auditioning... (Trudie pulls up to an old gas station) NC (vo): This'll raise no questions. Gas station owner: (to Trudie, seeing David blindfolded in the car) Whoa, what's going on here, sweetheart? Trudie: That's my boyfriend. The wild kind of weekend, the tie-me-up, tie-me-down kind. Owner: Yeah, uh, you better come with me, young lady. (takes her arm) Trudie: (hastily) All right! NC: Well, what does she think was gonna happen? (In the movie, the owner comes out holding a box of "Love Cuffs", which are a pair of handcuffs in fluffy red padding) NC (vo; surprised): Wow! NC: (wide-eyed) I didn't think that was gonna happen! Owner: (giving the Love Cuffs to Trudie) These are on the house, honey. (He laughs as he takes them out of the box and gives them to Trudie, who is impressed) Trudie: Oh... Oh! (takes the cuffs) Thanks. NC: (as the owner) I took it off the corpse of (gestures behind him) that prostitute I have stashed in the back. (Having handcuffed herself to David, Trudie drives off as the gas station owner watches) Owner: Lucky little bastard... NC (vo; as owner): Mmm, this movie should've been called Very Merry Iffy Stuff Your Grandma Will Glare At, But Your Mother Will Find Edgy Christmas. Trudie: I'd like to apologize for earlier for raising my voice... NC: (as Trudie) And absolutely nothing else. Small goals. Trudie: I think it's safe to say I've lost my job at Tahj's Diner Deluxe, I live in a crappy loft downtown... NC: CRAPPY LOFT?!? (Shots of Trudie's not-so-crappy apartment loft are shown) NC (vo): Stuck-up, trust fund baby bitch, born with a silver spoon shoved up your ass! Crappy loft! (Cut to Trudie's parents' isolated mountain cabin, as Trudie's car pulls up in front of it) NC (vo; as Trudie): This is my crappy log cabin. It only has four hot tubs! (normal) She enters the house and tells her parents the truth. Well, her truth. Trudie: Sometimes, when Nick feels awkward in a social situation, he does this whole "I didn't want to be here, I've been kidnapped" thing. NC: Right. (holds up cell phone and pushes a button) 911 on speed dial. (puts phone to his ear) She's taken another one. (Trudie's parents having bought her story, all three of them hug David as he comes inside) NC (vo): So...of course this works, as they don't believe any of his cries for help. David: (accusatory tone) This woman held me at gunpoint (Trudie rolls her eyes) and brought me to this house as her hostage! (Trudie's parents laugh) Your daughter is a crazy, dangerous criminal! Trudie's Mother: (excitedly) Yes, she is! (laughs) Trudie's Father: Ooh! NC: (as David) Do you have any idea how many Netflix documentaries are gonna be made about this?! Trudie: Okay, well, I'm gonna go help Mom with the eggnog. (She and her mother leave, leaving David alone with Trudie's father, who exhales awkwardly, while David stares. Then, after a beat, the father laughs again and points at David) Trudie's Father: Come on. NC: (stunned) The hell was that about?! NC (vo): Maybe it finally sunk in what kind of movie they agreed to. (The father exhaling and David staring is replayed) NC (vo; as Trudie's father): Ah, it's a paycheck. Let's get this over with. Trudie: Mother, I was wondering if I could be keymaster this year. (Cut to a clip of ''Ghostbusters, showing Louis Tully, having been possessed by Vinz Clortho the Keymaster)'' Louis/Vinz: (running around and yelling) YOU WILL PERISH IN FLAMES! (Cut back to ''Holiday in Handcuffs)'' Trudie: The idea of being forcibly trapped with the holidays used to bother me, but now I see the...higher social purpose. NC: Spoken like a true cult leader. Trudie's Father: (to David) No phones in the house. David: What about a cell phone? Trudie's Father: The keymaster's got all the cell phones. NC: (as Trudie's father) I call him Dick Cheney. NC (vo; as Trudie's father): I told him one day there's gonna be a President that does nothing but use his phone. (chuckles) He'll make me look good. (Just then, Trudie's brother and sister, Jake and Katie (played by Kyle Howard and Vanessa Lee Evigan, respectively) come in) Jake: (excitedly) Hey! Katie: Oh, Dad! NC (vo): More family members arrive to benignly ignore the possible start of a human trafficking business. David: (to Jake) Look, Jake... Is it Jake? You look like a reasonable person. NC: (as Jake) Actually, I look like a failed experiment... (Cut back to Jake, along with images of Stephen Dorff and Robert Wuhl) NC (vo; as Jake): ...to clone Stephen Dorff and Robert Wuhl at the same time. Trudie's Mother: (taking Nick to a bedroom) Nick, you'll be in here and– Trudie: (stopping her mother and brother) Mom, I'm 27 years old; I'm gonna sleep in the same bedroom as my boyfriend. End of story. NC: (shaking head) That wonderful moment you realize (holds up two fingers) if these genders... (Trudie and her mother and brother are shown again) NC (vo): ...were switched... NC: (nods) ...this would be the most terrifying horror film ever made! (In another bedroom, there is a bunk bed, with Trudie sleeping on the lower bed and David on the upper bed) David: Yeah, you'd better get used to these bunk beds, because that's what you're gonna be sharing with your new jail buddy. Trudie: Why don't you try to relax? NC: (as Trudie) Why can't you be as blissfully ignorant as moi? (holds up hand) Trudie: You might as well try and get a good night sleep 'cause we have a couple of big days ahead of us, shnookums. NC (vo; low voice, with accompanying text popping up in yellow): JUST A BRIEF REMINDER, YOUR ROM COM IS SICK. BACK TO YOUR SICK... SICK ROM COM... SICKO! (In the middle of the night, David tries to sneak out of the house and escape) NC (vo): He tries escaping, as we drop in on where the movie started. (Trudie, having noticed him missing, gets in her car and drives after him, catching up with easily as he walks along the side of the road) Trudie: You've been walking for, what, about an hour? Why don't you just come back to the house? We'll make some hot chocolate, okay? NC (vo): Freezing in the cold, he gets in the car, grabs her throat, tosses her out the goddamn window, and speeds off to the nearest anything. NC: D'oh! I mean... NC (vo): ...they drive back because...adorable. (The next morning, Trudie is walking down the hall when she gets startled as her phone goes off. She answers it) NC (vo): It turns out she's hiding a phone, though, as her friend calls. Lopez sees her and he tries to get it. Trudie's Mother: (to David) Good morning. David: Morning. Trudie's Mother: (putting her arm around David's back) Come on, sit down. I'll make you a special breakfast. NC (vo; as David): But my salvation– Ah, breakfast. (Trudie is talking on the phone outside the door as the snow falls) Trudie: It's not that big of a deal. Voice on phone: Well, what do you think after the holidays? (The person calling her is a coworker at the diner) Coworker: You can't keep him. He's not a puppy. NC: That goes for you, too! She didn't steal a compact... NC (vo): ...SHE ABDUCTED A HUMAN BEING!! NC: Why are they acting like this is an episode of Gilmore Girls?! David: (to Trudie) Could I borrow your phone, please? Trudie: (confused) Sorry, I didn't bring my phone. David: It's in your... (points to the inside of his shirt) Trudie's Mother: Trudie! NC (vo; as Trudie's mother): Do I have to frisk you again? This is a healthy family! (Embarrassed, Trudie takes out her phone, but when David tries to get it from her, she won't have it, and he chases her around the kitchen, trying to get it from her) Trudie: You know, I ran track in high school! David: Huh, I played football and my nickname was Flash! Trudie: Ooh, scary! NC: (sighs, as director) Could somebody tell the stagehand this is... (The camera zooms in on the window showing the snowy terrain outside) NC (vo; as director): ...an ice-olated location? (Trudie puts her phone on the table and then takes out a meat tenderizer, which she raises over her phone) David: Don't do it! (Trudie ignores him and smashes her phone to bits with the tenderizer) NC (vo): She smashes the phone as her mom gives Lopez some different clothes to change into. (The next scene shows David looking himself in the mirror and wearing said different clothes: a bright orange polo shirt and plaid pants. He frowns heavily) David: (sighs) This sucks. NC: (as David) I'm also wondering if I'll ever see anyone I love again, but yeah, these clothes suck. (shakes head) Category:Content Category:Guides Category:Transcripts Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Nostalgia Critic Category:Christmas Category:Editorials Category:NC Mini-Reviews